Doing the ol dance routine. Again...

We (Christians) always have those stages where we feel disconnected from God at some point in time. Some may deal with it more frequently than others. I would say for me, it happens at least several times a year. Don't know what it is for others, but that's just me.

I feel the need to be honest with myself and God. After all, if you can't be honest with at least yourself and God, who can you be honest with?

I find myself in yet another spaced out trance. The typical, distracted kind. I cant put my finger on it exactly, but Im sure several things could be the cause.

Ultimately, it comes down to me and God. It seems I've lost Him yet again. I cant narrow it down to any particular time. All I know is that it happened some time between the time I had Him and the time I lost Him, now.

You rarely see it coming until it actually happens, and you find yourself sitting in your house at night writing about it.

But it's the same old thing. I can't seem find the motivation or enthusiasms to get in the Word as I should. I don't pray to God or intercede for others like I know I should. I feel like I'm in no place to intercede for others to begin with. Of course, no one else around me notices that. They see the show I put on... but I don't think I would call it a show actually. It's more like an unenthused dance routine. I do what I do because it's what is expected of me (by those who are supposed to keep me accountable and everyone else). I act how I act and say what I say, because I'm supposed to-- I know this.

And Im not saying that what I do and say around people is false or deceptive. It's just that my reasons for my "doing" and "saying" are all wrong (whether anyone else can see that or not). The right motivation isn't there.

So if the right motivation is absent, then the wrong motivation must be present. What IS that motivation then? For now, I'd have to say the motive is guilt. That's the one word that stays in my mind. And guilt is, I'm pretty sure, my specific kryptonite. For others, the motivation may come from some other weakness. Mine, guilt. Self-condemnation.

My guilt can be what drives me to perform (as in doing things). To go to the Sunday service, to get the job done, to finally sit and pray for this person, and the list goes on. Most of the my service is spurred by my guilt for not doing what I know I should've done all along.

There's two Adams here. Adam in the flesh and Adam in Christ. They are complete opposites and have completely opposite interests. In grace, Christ called us away from the flesh, so that we would come back to Him (Our first love). And I feel guilt when I ignore that call.

Im guilty for ignoring who I truly am in Christ.

I've been save by grace, and with that grace comes a responsibility. An accountability to God, myself, and others. And I feel guilt for having clung to that grace while I selfishly ignore the role God intended for me to have as a recipient of His grace.

Instead, Im self serving, especially when no one else is around to see it. I don't do what I know I should do, and I do what I know I shouldn't do. Boy, is that a familiar statement?

So when Im approached by those who expect me to be ready and prepped to show the fruit of my spiritual labors, I cringe and desperately scrape from the bottom of the spiritual bucket with hopes (selfish hopes) that it will be enough to get me by.

What's insane is that my bucket could EASILY be replenished and overflowing with the fruit that God is aching for us all to accept. But for our own selfish reasons, we decide not to walk over and take His offer. 100% free, no catch, no gimmicks. Free offer.

I choose nothing when I could have everything and more. I could be overflowing, but I choose to scrape by, time and again. It doesn't make sense. Why do I do it? Why do we all do it?

What's really crazy is that when I finally own up to my "emptiness", whether in shame/embarrassment/ guilt/whatever, I hesitate to face God (knowing He has all I could ever need. Right there in front of my face). The same ignorant reasoning that left me baron is keeping me from going back to the source that saves me and replenishes me.

Even as I write this, I still cringe at the thought of taking those first few steps back in His direction-- the right direction. The direction that completely satisfies. The direction that sets everything right.

And, again, it's for selfish reasons: "How hard will it be to turn this ship around?", "What is this whole thing going to require from me?", "How long will this take?", "What if it's harder than what I want it to be?"

There it is!!

Jesus' "mission statement"

Luke 4

¹⁷And the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. And He opened the book and found the place where it was written,
¹⁸"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME,
BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR.
HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES,
AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND,
TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED,
¹⁹ TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."

²⁰And He closed the book, gave it back to the attendant and sat down; and the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on Him. ²¹And He began to say to them, "Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing."

Poor aim and how it leads to sedated Indians... Yeah, now I got you're attention.

"I have to learn that the aim in life is God's, not mine. God is using me from His great personal standpoint, and all He asks of me is that I trust Him..."

-Oswald Chambers

How aware am I of what's really taking place in my life? Am I living in tune with the way God intended, or am I missing the big picture? Am I fooling myself into thinking that what I offer is enough?

I know I do alot (feels like alot... vet school) and people may tell me that I am doing great and to keep it up (which I need to hear), but the approval of those around me has no merit when I set it next to the approval of God. It just doesn't. Not next to God. And thats what it all comes down to. If my life isn't in tune with the life God has called me to, then I'm not in tune at all.

"Don't be so hard on yourself, dude. You're doing fine."

Sure, I try to do good stuff, but my aim should be to do God stuff. My aim should be to follow God's aim.

Why? Because my aim sucks. I have no aim. I have intentions.. good one's. Unfortunately my intentions don't make up for my terrible aim.

Example. Say I'm hanging out at a parade in, oh... India and an elephant decides to get a little crazy because of the "musth", I can try to dart (b/c we all love the elephants) that stupid thing a hundred times and do no good if my aim sucks. Even worse, I can really cause some damage by not leaving the job to someone more experienced in darting the musth elephants.

I can shoot darts left and right and behind my back and between my legs, but if that musth elephant is still stomping all over some peanut stand, then regardless of what I am trying to do, my aim is off. And its very likely that all Ive done is sedate a bunch of old Indian ladies and kids holding candy apples (you know, with all that between the legs shooting and stuff..) and that doesn't really sweeten the deal for anybody.

I would be wrong to rely on my good intentions to validate that I am doing exactly what God wants of me. That's what I am getting at.

Everyday is an opportunity to walk with God.

Going to Church or talking about Him or listening to music about Him is needed, but am I even tapping the surface of the life and purpose that God has for Adam Handy?

What am I letting into my life... what am I not doing... where am I stopping... how am I reacting... how is my thinking creating that wall that separates me from truly walking in the footsteps of Christ.

And this is something we are ALL called to do. Again, we simply are choosing to stop with a church service or with the approval of others.

Time to do some searching...

PS I'm running on little sleep, and my brain is warped from tests these past few weeks. Pardon any stuff that flat out makes no sense.

Church vs Clinical Pathology. Who would win?

Im in the middle of a painfully slow study session, but this popped in my head, so Im going to put this down real quick.

Just to give you a brief background (if you want to call it that). This morning, I got up and responsibly made my way to study at a coffee shop down the road from the house before I going heading for church. It's been like pulling teeth to get focused for this stuff all weekend, and I had made NO progress so far. NONE!

So on my way to the shop I thought, "Ooo. Today is Sunday, which means tomorrow will be Monday... I need to get some work done!"

So then I thought that I'll just skip church altogether and do some work. Nothing wrong with that, right? But I found myself continuously trying to justify to myself (and God) why I was going to play hooky today.

Then it turned into a battle of "why should I/ why shouldn't I" type of thing.

"I have been feeling a little spiritually "dry" lately, maybe I need to go."

"God knows you would go if you could. Its ok. Dont go."

"But is this one of those battles of the flesh moments? Maybe I should go."

"But it's not like church is right down the road either. I can save a lot of time if I stay here and study."

"Well, I don't want to feel guilty for NOT going."

"God isn't going to punish me for NOT going."

"But then again, Im fairly certain that church is the kind of thing God likes."

"Don't make this a legalistic issue, Adam. It's ok not to go."

"Well, maybe it will clear my head to go, and God will bless my going to church?"

And on and on and on....

Ready for the climactic end result of my inner banter? I went.

BUT MY POINT IS NOT ABOUT WHETHER YOU SHOULD OR SHOULDN'T GO TO CHURCH WHEN YOU ARE BUSY. Don't lose me on this.

Here is the point.

Ok. Here I am now. Church was good. Glad I went, and stuff. But now I am back here studying (or at least trying), and it still sucks just as much as it has all weekend.

NOW. Here is the question that came to mind a minute ago:

If I could have seen into the future and known that this studying rut was still going to be here right now, at exactly... 9:05pm, would I still have made the effort to stop my work, pack up my stuff and made the trip to church in the first place?

It's a question of motivation.

What was my motivation for going? What it truly out of love of Christ? Was it because I was hoping that it would make my life easier?

Just so you know, Im way too tired to try to come up with the answer, but I did think that this was an important thing to be aware. I still have a butt load of clin path and virology to cover for these tests, so Im going to throw that out there just in case it'll make a splash somewhere.

Comment, Dont Comment, Scratch your nose... whatever.