Doing the ol dance routine. Again...

We (Christians) always have those stages where we feel disconnected from God at some point in time. Some may deal with it more frequently than others. I would say for me, it happens at least several times a year. Don't know what it is for others, but that's just me.

I feel the need to be honest with myself and God. After all, if you can't be honest with at least yourself and God, who can you be honest with?

I find myself in yet another spaced out trance. The typical, distracted kind. I cant put my finger on it exactly, but Im sure several things could be the cause.

Ultimately, it comes down to me and God. It seems I've lost Him yet again. I cant narrow it down to any particular time. All I know is that it happened some time between the time I had Him and the time I lost Him, now.

You rarely see it coming until it actually happens, and you find yourself sitting in your house at night writing about it.

But it's the same old thing. I can't seem find the motivation or enthusiasms to get in the Word as I should. I don't pray to God or intercede for others like I know I should. I feel like I'm in no place to intercede for others to begin with. Of course, no one else around me notices that. They see the show I put on... but I don't think I would call it a show actually. It's more like an unenthused dance routine. I do what I do because it's what is expected of me (by those who are supposed to keep me accountable and everyone else). I act how I act and say what I say, because I'm supposed to-- I know this.

And Im not saying that what I do and say around people is false or deceptive. It's just that my reasons for my "doing" and "saying" are all wrong (whether anyone else can see that or not). The right motivation isn't there.

So if the right motivation is absent, then the wrong motivation must be present. What IS that motivation then? For now, I'd have to say the motive is guilt. That's the one word that stays in my mind. And guilt is, I'm pretty sure, my specific kryptonite. For others, the motivation may come from some other weakness. Mine, guilt. Self-condemnation.

My guilt can be what drives me to perform (as in doing things). To go to the Sunday service, to get the job done, to finally sit and pray for this person, and the list goes on. Most of the my service is spurred by my guilt for not doing what I know I should've done all along.

There's two Adams here. Adam in the flesh and Adam in Christ. They are complete opposites and have completely opposite interests. In grace, Christ called us away from the flesh, so that we would come back to Him (Our first love). And I feel guilt when I ignore that call.

Im guilty for ignoring who I truly am in Christ.

I've been save by grace, and with that grace comes a responsibility. An accountability to God, myself, and others. And I feel guilt for having clung to that grace while I selfishly ignore the role God intended for me to have as a recipient of His grace.

Instead, Im self serving, especially when no one else is around to see it. I don't do what I know I should do, and I do what I know I shouldn't do. Boy, is that a familiar statement?

So when Im approached by those who expect me to be ready and prepped to show the fruit of my spiritual labors, I cringe and desperately scrape from the bottom of the spiritual bucket with hopes (selfish hopes) that it will be enough to get me by.

What's insane is that my bucket could EASILY be replenished and overflowing with the fruit that God is aching for us all to accept. But for our own selfish reasons, we decide not to walk over and take His offer. 100% free, no catch, no gimmicks. Free offer.

I choose nothing when I could have everything and more. I could be overflowing, but I choose to scrape by, time and again. It doesn't make sense. Why do I do it? Why do we all do it?

What's really crazy is that when I finally own up to my "emptiness", whether in shame/embarrassment/ guilt/whatever, I hesitate to face God (knowing He has all I could ever need. Right there in front of my face). The same ignorant reasoning that left me baron is keeping me from going back to the source that saves me and replenishes me.

Even as I write this, I still cringe at the thought of taking those first few steps back in His direction-- the right direction. The direction that completely satisfies. The direction that sets everything right.

And, again, it's for selfish reasons: "How hard will it be to turn this ship around?", "What is this whole thing going to require from me?", "How long will this take?", "What if it's harder than what I want it to be?"

There it is!!

Jesus' "mission statement"

Luke 4

¹⁷And the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. And He opened the book and found the place where it was written,
¹⁸"THE SPIRIT OF THE LORD IS UPON ME,
BECAUSE HE ANOINTED ME TO PREACH THE GOSPEL TO THE POOR.
HE HAS SENT ME TO PROCLAIM RELEASE TO THE CAPTIVES,
AND RECOVERY OF SIGHT TO THE BLIND,
TO SET FREE THOSE WHO ARE OPPRESSED,
¹⁹ TO PROCLAIM THE FAVORABLE YEAR OF THE LORD."

²⁰And He closed the book, gave it back to the attendant and sat down; and the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed on Him. ²¹And He began to say to them, "Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing."